My name is Tiana. I am in Year 6. I hope you like my narrative about the time my baby sister got lost. I created this wordle to check the kind of vocabulary I am using. The results show I have used some interesting verbs..
My goals are to use more complex sentences, use dialogue and describe my characters in more detail. I think I have achieved these goals but I would love some feeback from you.
Baby-Sitting Jayne.
Oh no, here we go again! Today Mum set off to go do the supermarket shopping leaving me at home to babysit my younger sister Jayne.
My baby sister sat on the couch looking innocent. We sat on the couch but in a few minutes she was dead asleep. I made her bed and put her to sleep. I continued watching television. An hour later I fell asleep. I woke up from my peaceful nap. I went to check-up on my Baby Sister but the bed was empty.
"Jayne,"I screamed.
I was worried that she must have gone out on the road and had an accident because the door was wide open. I ran out side but she was nowhere to be found. Mum arrived home.
"Where's your Baby Sister?" she yelled out loud.
I squeaked, "She has disappeared."
Mum started to panic. She rushed into the house like she desperately needed water.Except she didn't really need water. She looked in the phone book and rang the police station.They asked what Jayne was wearing.
Mum cried, "She was wearing blue pants,a red jumper and black socks."
The Officer said,"You're in luck Mrs, we found her walking and crying out on the footpath."
Mum was in tears when she heard the officer say they found Jayne . Mum rushed to the car and drove to the Police station. When my Mum took her first step into the Officer's office, Jayne knew straight away it was my Mum. My Mum threw her arms around Jayne and thanked the Officer. Mum bought Jayne safely home.
I learnt my lesson. Next time I have to babysit, I will not go to sleep until Mum gets home.
6 comments:
Hi Tiana! Your story is very exciting, I was nearly on the edge of my seat. I 'm glad you and your Mum found your baby sister at the police station in the end. Great work!
From Ms Tai
Hi Tiana,
I liked your story. I can imagine how scary it must have been. You used some great imagery and it was interesting to read. I think you could make it even better by giving some more description about how you were feeling - once your mum get's home, your story concentrates on her feelings but I wanted to hear more about you.
Good effort!
Renee :)
Hi Guys & Girls plus Teachers and support staff. I went home on Friday with a big buzz in my heart after catching up with you all at the Mt Wellington Fire Station. Glenbrae School is still the awesome school it was when I went there in the early 1950s. I am so proud of you all and really enjoyed watching your DVD and reading your very special card which is now in my Office in Auckland Fire Service, Region Headquarters.
I trust that you all enjoyed your visit to the Fire Station and that you keep up the great work Glenbrae School and you students are doing to make your Communities Safer. Stay hard studing and do your very best at school. They are special days and you are so lucky to be at a special school.
Arahonui Fireman George
All I can say
is awsome wordle
just amazing.
From Katopau
I think I improved in some spots.But I will try to achieve more of my writing goals!!!
Tiana
I think I improved in some spots.But I will try to achieve more of my writing goals!!!
Tiana
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